


i wanna end me

by cinvmatic



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Always Bisexual David Dobrik, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, David Dobrik Needs A Hug, David Uses His Words, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jason Nash is a good bro, Mental Breakdown, Suicidal David Dobrik, Suicidal Thoughts, and au where trisha didn't compare david to ted bundy, btw i wrote this before the thing with trisha happened, he's so sad, hey demons it's me ya boy... projecting once again, his sexuality isn't relevant at all, so au where jason and trisha have a healthy relationship, y'all can tear suicidal bi david from my cold dead suicidal bi hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 10:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17723504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinvmatic/pseuds/cinvmatic
Summary: david watches as jason moves to sit on the couch, but doesn’t follow. he fidgets with his hands as the older man looks at him expectantly, silently running through all the things in his head that he shouldn’t say.“i...” david begins, but falls short. how is he supposed to do this?“you...” jason prompts, and david sighs.“i just-" his voice breaks a little, “i just didn’t wanna be alone, cause... yeah.”[or: david really wants to die and jason really wants to help his best friend]





	i wanna end me

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: suicidal thoughts/talk about suicide
> 
> author’s note: i’m not trying to glorify mental illness or imply that david is suicidal in real life. this is just a story based on my personal feelings and experiences. 
> 
> I KNOW I NEED TO UPDATE THE TO BUILD A HOME SERIES. i swear i'm working on it... ily all for supporting my work! -ty
> 
> title from bury a friend by billie eilish

When David drove to Jason's house on Friday morning, running on no sleep with chapped lips and tears streaming down his face, he didn't think anyone would be home. He _hoped_ nobody would be home, at least, but funnily enough the second he opens the door he sees Trisha walking towards him and Jason trailing further behind her. They both have bags in hand, clearly about to leave, and David curses himself for not coming over a few minutes later.

“David? What-"

“Nothing, don’t- just go. You guys obviously have somewhere to be,” David shuts Trisha down the moment she begins to speak, and both her and Jason look at him with furrowed brows. David can’t really blame them, he’s wearing sweatpants and an old hoodie and practically having a mental breakdown on their doorstep.

He sniffles and wipes his nose. What was he thinking? He should’ve just stayed at home.

“I, uh- I’m in the way, sorry... I’ll just-" he motions to the door, to his car, but Jason shakes his head.

“No, it’s okay. You can stay.”

David hesitates, but eventually nods and steps into the house.

“Trish? Do you mind putting our stuff in the car?” Jason holds his backpack out to his girlfriend and she gladly takes it, sending a small smile towards David and leaving the two boys alone.

David watches as Jason moves to sit on the couch, but doesn’t follow. He fidgets with his hands as the older man looks at him expectantly, silently running through all the things in his head that he shouldn’t say.

“I...” David begins, but falls short. How is he supposed to do this?

“You...” Jason prompts, and David sighs. 

“I just-" His voice breaks a little, “I just didn’t wanna be alone, cause... yeah.”

Jason looks slightly confused, and David hates that he has to elaborate. He’s never really done this, and he doesn’t fucking want to, but deep down he knows that if he doesn’t get this out to _someone_ he’s going to fucking break.

“I haven’t... I’ve been having a tough time. Recently. Or, longer than recently, I don’t- I’ve never talked about what’s going on inside my head before and I know this seems really out of the blue because to you it _is_ , but I’ve gone over this conversation a million times in my head with every single one of you and it never ends well and  _I don’t know what to do anymore_ , Jason, I-"

He sounds so _defeated_ , like he's pleading for Jason to understand, and the older man is slightly taken aback. By the time David stops rambling, he’s almost worked himself into a full-blown panic attack and all Jason can do is sit and watch his friend fall apart. He tries to intervene but David stops him, attempts to finish his sentence even though he’s wheezing and choking and crying his eyes out.

He needs Jason to hear him. He needs Jason to _listen_.

“I don’t know what to do, I- I have no footage. And I know that’s not a big deal, really, but I’m meant to post today and I _can’t,_ and Natalie wants me to do so many things and I know I sound like such a snob and a hypocrite but I’m losing my _fucking_ mind. I don’t- The reason I came over here was because I can’t be alone right now, and you probably think I’m such a pussy but I don’t trust myself- I don’t- I wanna fucking die _all the time_ , and I know we say that as a joke but I swear I’m not kidding and I’m so fucking sorry for coming here-"

David finally stops, a god-awful sob interrupting his spiel of words and _that's_ when Jason realises how serious this is. He gets up from the couch, slowly making his way over to David and pulling him into a hug. 

"No- Jason, it's fine, you don't have to-"

Jason shushes David before he begins to spiral again, and when Trisha appears at the doorway all he has to do is shake his head. She takes one look at the scene in front of her, watches David's breathing hitch as he quite literally cries on Jason's shoulder, and she knows it's none of her business. She nods at her boyfriend and retreats back to the car, because what else is she meant to do? 

David Dobrik crying isn't really her forte.

Apparently, it isn't Jason's either.

He doesn’t know how to make his friend feel better. The kid showed up on his doorstep, unannounced, and told Jason that he wants to _kill himself_. Sure, Jason had noticed that Dave seemed a little more stressed out than usual, but he didn't think it was this bad.

"Have you..." Jason begins, and he knows he shouldn’t be asking this. He knows he should wait for David to tell him, but at the same time he needs the answer right now because as if he's going to wait for something bad to happen first.

"What?" David asks, refusing to lift his head up from where it's resting on Jason's shirt. 

"You... You've never tried to _actually_ kill yourself, right?"

David's entire body tenses, and Jason feels it. The former holds his breath, squeezes his eyes shut and doesn't say a word because he knows that if he opens his mouth, he'll come clean about everything.

The silence that Jason's met with is deafening, though, and he thinks he already knows the answer. David doesn’t need to say it out loud. 

"Dave..." 

"Don't," David unwraps his arms from around Jason and steps back. "Don't do that. Don't pity me, or feel sorry for me, okay? This is why- you're treating me like  _glass_ , Jason, and this is why I didn't tell anyone. I'm not some fragile little kid-"

"David, nobody thinks you're a kid, I- I'm treating you with care because you're  _unhappy_ , not because you're fucking _fragile_ ," Jason pauses, and all the fight drains out of David when they make eye contact. "I want you to be okay."

David looks down, "I know..." he says, voice significantly smaller than it was a few moments ago. "I just don't know how to be."

They lapse into silence after that, and David sighs. 

Maybe it was a mistake coming here. Maybe he should’ve just kept everything to himself, maybe he should've swallowed those fucking pills like he was planning to, maybe-

"We'll help you out, you know," a voice interrupts David's train of thought, and his head snaps up to look at the other person in the room.

Jason doesn’t continue speaking until they make eye contact again.

"If you wanna tell the others, I mean - none of them are gonna give you shit for something like this. We all love you, David, and we really fucking care about you, so don't forget that. Whenever you feel like shit, or like you can't be alone, or like you actually wanna talk about this kind of stuff, I can guarantee that each and every one of us will be by your side in a millisecond.

We really don’t wanna lose you, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel special. I wanna help you, I wanna help you get through whatever _this_ is because I fucking get it. I understand."

They stare at each other for what seems like forever before David manages to nod. He's not gonna ask Jason what he means by _"I fucking get it"_ or _"I understand"_ , because he's not a fucking idiot.

They both know exactly what Jason means, and if _he_ somehow managed to get out of this alive, then maybe David can too. Maybe his friends will help him, maybe he won't be so sad all the time, maybe he'll actually be okay.

When David drove to Jason's house on Friday morning, running on no sleep with chapped lips and tears streaming down his face, he didn't think anyone would be home.

He just _hoped_ someone would be home.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on that tumbling website: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


End file.
